My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
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You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Buck naked
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits