ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Thoughts
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
How to make infinite energy.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.