Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
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[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
That’s amazing.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!