[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
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i hope my email finds you on fire
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Yup!
How wrong was this guy?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet