People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
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my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️