Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Milk Cube
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
ouch
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.