Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
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[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
LA today:
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
When can I start eating bats again.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!