[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
You Might Also Like
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
How does one answer this?
how was your vacation
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip