[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
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Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
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*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.