I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
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What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so