When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
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🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*