I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
You Might Also Like
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Breaking news:
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday