I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
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Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.