How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
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on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Ah..makes sense now
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.