I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
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When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment