“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
You Might Also Like
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.