I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
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My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
A flock of dads is called a grill.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality