[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
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Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical