Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
You Might Also Like
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.