No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
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Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible