Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
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me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
How did we not see this back then?