Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
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My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe