*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
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lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
cyclists
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
2022 be like