Yup.
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[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
OH. COME. ON.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”