I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
You Might Also Like
WHY would you be happy about this?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M