[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
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90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???