No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.