I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
You Might Also Like
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?