Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
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Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
S/o to @funTweeters .
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…