[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
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We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
all that yoga finally paid off
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
You know…for fall…
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone