A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
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My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’