Flowers bee like
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I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards