Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille