Dude just wanted a popsicle…
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I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.