Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
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Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.