Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
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I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Duck typos.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My patience has stretch marks.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.