*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
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Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.