One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
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fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?