Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Unexpected Judgment
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.