When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
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[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
They also CAN sing✌️
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one