MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
HR said no more nunchucks.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.