If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
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[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
oppen heimer style lol
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.