[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
My typo game is string.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’