“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Worst Native American name ever.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*