damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
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Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you