DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator