Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.