Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
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Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.