Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
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I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Seek kebab; not attention
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?