Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
You Might Also Like
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Thoughts
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.